Family Troubles

A psychiatrist visited a California mental institution and asked a patient, "How did you get here?  What was the nature of your illness?"

He got this reply...

"Well, it all started when I got married and I guess I should never have done it.  I got hitched to a widow with a grown daughter who then became my stepdaughter.  My daddy came to visit us, fell in love with my lovely stepdaughter, then married her.  And so my stepdaughter was now my stepmother.  Soon, my wife had a son who was, of course, my daddy's brother-in-law since he is the half-brother of my stepdaughter, who is now, of course, my daddy's wife.  So, as I told you, when my stepdaughter married my daddy, she was at once my stepmother!  Now, since my new son is brother to my stepmother, he also became my uncle.  As you know, my wife is my step-grandmother since she is my stepmother's mother.  Don't forget that my stepmother is my stepdaughter.  Remember, too, that I am my wife's grandson.  But hold on just a few minutes more.  You see, since I'm married to my step-grandmother, I am not only my wife's grandson and her hubby, but I am also my own grandfather.  Now can you understand how I got put in this place?"


Lawyer & the Pathologist in a courtroom

Lawyer            Before you signed the death certificate, had you taken the pulse ?

Pathologist      No.

Lawyer            Did you listen to the heart ?

Pathologist      No.

Lawyer            Did you check for breathing ?

Pathologist      No.

Lawyer            So, when you signed the death certificate you weren't actually sure he was dead, were you?

Pathologist      Well, let me put it this way.  The man's brain was sitting in a jar on my desk.  But I guess

                                                         it's possible he could be out there practicing law somewhere.


Change of Careers

After several years as an Ob-Gyn, a doctor decides he's tired of what he's been doing and wants to change his career.  He wonders what other type of work he can do.  After a while, the Ob-Gyn remembers how much he liked automotive class in school and, since he's good with his hands, he decides to become an auto mechanic.  He enrolls at the community college automotive school.
Upon his completion of his course, the final exam consists of taking a car engine apart and putting it back together.  The doctor turns in his final project and, to his astonishment, receives a grade of 150%.  After class, the Ob-Gyn says to the instructor, "You know, I've gotten plenty of 100%'s in my life, but how does someone get 150%?"

"Well," responds the instructor, "I gave you 50% for taking the engine apart, 50% for putting the engine back together and .... another 50% for doing everything through the muffler"!


A medical student was visiting his elderly grandfather and was asking him about the various medications that he was currently taking.  "So, I understand that you're taking Ginkoba.  Have you noticed any improvement with your memory?"

"How the hell am I supposed to know," the grandfather replied.  "I never remember to take it !!"


The Memory Test

Three elderly men are at the doctor's office for a memory test.

The doctor asks the first man, "What is three times three?"

"274," is his reply.

The doctor rolls his eyes and looks up at the ceiling, and asks the second man, "It's your turn.  What is three times three?"

"Tuesday," replies the second man.

The doctor shakes his head sadly, then asks the third man, "Okay, your turn.  What's three times three ?"

"Nine," says the third man.

"That's great!" says the doctor.  "How did you get that ?"

"Simple," he says, "Just subtract 274 from Tuesday."


Paramedic at an accident site

A medic goes to an MVA and finds a Porsche that sideswiped a concrete pillar, tearing the drivers arm off. As the medic is coming at him through the passenger door, the driver is moaning "Oh, my Porsche...Oh, my Porsche, Oh my poor poor Porsche!" The medic says, "Pal, forget about your car, look at your arm." The yuppie looks down where his arm used to be and moans, "Oh my Rolex...Oh, my Rolex!"


Three Wishes

Three medics are walking on a beach, taking a break from an ambulance convention on a tropical island. They happen upon an antique bottle and in examining it, they all-too-predictably release the genie trapped inside. He offers them the obligatory three wishes and they agree to split them: one each.

The first medic, an Advanced EMT, says, "I want to be ten times smarter so I can better help my patients!" "A noble wish, Master!", says the genie as he waves his hands. "Granted!" The Advanced EMT is ten times smarter.

The second medic, a Paramedic, says "Well, I would like to be a hundred times smarter, to better help all the patients I have to work on." "Another noble wish!", says the genie and he makes the second medic a hundred times smarter.

The third medic, a Field Supervisor, pipes up and says, "I wish to be a thousand times smarter, in order to best help all the patients that I must care for, genie."

The genie cocks an eyebrow at him and says, "Are you quite sure that that is your wish?" "Yes, that is my wish! A thousand times smarter", asserts the third medic.

"Very well! The most noble wish of all! Granted!!", booms the genie and he waves his hands.

The supervisor is now an EMT.


Baby Delivery

It was late at night and Heidi, who was expecting her second child was home alone with her 3-year old daughter Katelyn. When Heidi started going into labour, she called '911.'

Due to a power outage at the time, only one paramedic responded to the call. The house was very, very dark, so the paramedic asked Katelyn to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby.

Very diligently, Katelyn did as she was asked. Heidi pushed and pushed, and after a little while Connor was born. The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry. The paramedic then thanked Katelyn for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-year old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.

Katelyn quickly responded, 'He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place. Smack him again!'


Paramedic & the Stroke Patient

Q. What did the Paramedic say to the stroke patient with left side paralysis?

A. You're going to be All Right!